April 18, 2003- Saying "Good-bye" to Jonah

Good Friday started off like any other day. We had stayed at the hospital because Jonah had not had a good night. His BP was low and his urine output was minimal. We woke up in the breastfeeding room and Jon went to go check on Jonah while I pumped. As I was preparing to label and freeze the milk, Jon came out and said that they were going to switch Jonah back to the conventional vent and that I should come in. We watched the changeover and then Al told us that we should go and get something to eat and then we could have a cuddle with Jonah in a private room. I still don’t know why we left him... we had never left him when he was so vulnerable in the past. One of us would have always stayed with him while the other took a break, but this time we both left him. We trusted Al and the staff and were looking forward to cuddling our little boy for the first time. We went to the coffee shop and were finishing our bagels when Margot came down and told us Jonah wasn’t doing well. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t good, but I still silently prayed for a miracle. As we entered the room, Al was solemnly unhooking Jonah from his machines, wrapping him in a blanket, and handing him to me. I numbly sat in the rocking chair as I was handed my son to hold for the first time. Within minutes, his heart stopped beating and he was gone.... GONE! Although we had told him several days earlier that it was up to him and God when he would stop fighting, I wasn't ready. He was. He stopped fighting to stay here on earth, and went to join his brother Josh in Heaven.

We cried as we held his lifeless body. His little body was still warm. He smelled like the baby oil I had used to massage his tiny head the day before.

We spent all day with Jonah, holding him, cuddling him, and crying for the babies we had so desperately wanted to take home. Until Jonah died, I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for Josh. Jonah needed his Mummy. When Jonah went to join his brother, I was free to grieve.

Al waited outside our door in case we needed anything. When we were ready, we asked him to help us bathe Jonah and take pictures for us. Debbie Hogan came in on her day off and made impressions of Jonah’s hands and feet. Our families arrived and were able to hold Jonah and say "good-bye". After they left, Jon and I said our last good-byes to Jonah. Leaving him in the room by himself was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I couldn’t take his "cheering section", his collection of stuffed friends, with us. It didn’t seem right to leave him alone even though it was just his body, not really him. I knew that Jonah was already with Jesus and his angels. I knew that he was with his big brother Josh. I knew that he felt no more fear or pain.

My chest was heavy. My heart was broken. My eyes couldn't cry enough tears.