Moving on...life after losing the boys

It's been 5 years, 3 months since the boys were born. We had Josh with us for 2 days and Jonah for 30. We are thankful for even this little while with our boys, but our hearts ache for even just one more day with them.

I've recently been honoured to receive emails from other mothers who have recently lost their babies. As I read each story, tears run down my cheeks thinking about our own sweet boys and all the little ones who have now joined them in Heaven. I think about the freshness of their pain and my heart aches, almost physically for them. I read their words knowing that they could have easily been mine not that long ago. I guess I wanted to post about "moving on" because other mothers have asked about life after losing a baby. I am honoured and humbled to share my story.

Part of this post is a message that I wrote to another mother in this "mothers-with-babies-in-Heaven-club" that no one ever asks to join.

If you're reading this as one who has recently joined this "club", I am so sorry for your loss. Although nothing that I could write will assuage the grief that you feel, I hope knowing that another mother has walked in similar shoes and is still standing will help in some small way.

In the days that followed the boys' memorial services, I tried (some days) to reintegrate myself into society. It seemed like I was often surrounded by so many blissfully naive parents with their beautiful babies with chubby cheeks. I remember feeling so angry at a friend who went on and on about her baby teething and how difficult it was. It was only weeks after we had returned from Ottawa where we sat by our sons' beds praying that God would bring healing and allow us to parent them. I sat for hours at a time searching for other mothers like me, mothers without children to hold here on earth.

So, life after losing the boys...

The twins were our first children. It was my first pregnancy. Everything was normal and the only "risk" factor we had was that it was a twin pregnancy. They were here and gone long before their due date. We had their memorial service on my first Mother's Day. Although my babies were in Heaven, I still celebrated as their mother - the mother of two amazing, brave little boys who God gave us for a little while to teach us lessons that we're still learning.

We've had 3 children since the boys. I became pregnant a little sooner than we had planned after the boys died, but God's timing was perfect. Although another child could never take the place of Josh and Jonah, I found being pregnant actually helped me to grieve. By the time our first Christmas without our boys rolled around, I was 8 mos pregnant with our daughter. It seemed as though when I was missing the boys' kicks, I would feel her move. I would write her letters about her brothers, about my hopes and dreams for her (even before we knew we were having a girl), about my fears. I think it also helped that she wasn't a twin and also that she was a girl. Nonetheless, every slightly abnormal symptom, pain or gut feeling sent my mind into overdrive of all the things that could go wrong. Every day, every week that went by was another milestone and I knew that she was growing stronger and stronger. Abby was slightly premature as well. Holding her in my arms and being able to nurse her in the delivery room was amazing. I think my next pregnancy (with my son Jude) was actually worse once I knew that we were having another boy. I'd never been able to carry a son to full term and all my sons to that point had died.

I was standing in church one day, not really able to really worship with all the fears and anxieties clouding my mind. Then I had this beautiful picture of God's hands holding my womb, cradling Jude's tiny body as it formed. That image brought me so much peace and carried me through the remainder of the pregnancy. By the time I was pregnant with Jordan, I had been able to carry 2 babes to near-term and I was busier so I wasn't nearly as anxious. Through all our subsequent pregnancies, just feeling the baby move brought so much joy and blessing. Each passing day brought us closer to the hope of bringing a baby home.

It's been 5 years since we said goodbye to Josh and Jonah. Time does bring healing. The wounds aren't as raw and my memories bring me mostly joy. I've realized that grieving is a life-long process that just changes over time. Although I don't often cry so hard that I can't breathe anymore, I find myself thinking of them at unexpected times. When I graduated with my M.A., I cried because I knew that my little boys would never start Kindergarten, let alone graduate. When I saw a friend's pictures of her little guy getting on the school bus for the first time, I wept knowing that my little boys would have started school this year as well.

Although I'm still grieving, I can see God's sovereignty in it all The first year was REALLY difficult. I still find myself feeling anxious at times about our other three children, Abby, Jude and Jordan. I guess I'm afraid of losing them too. I'm not so naive anymore to believe that children don't die. So...I'm still working on it :) I just keep bringing my fears back to God over and over and over. We take lots of pictures and video. Life is short and we want to cherish every moment. Even with all the pictures we took of Josh and Jonah, they just weren't enough for a whole lifetime.